I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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