I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
