I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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