Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
