i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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