Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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