I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
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My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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