i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
