Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
There's even glitter on my cock...
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