Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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