two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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