The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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