the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
