You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
