I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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