I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
