Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
