I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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