The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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