I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
