8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
