I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
