Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Please don't give away my fajitas
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