to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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