I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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