Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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