I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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