I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
