all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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