I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
