ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I want a musical about memes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
