I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
