i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
