i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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