Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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