I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
