Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
