Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
