Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
