I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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