My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
