You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We need to rekindle our bromance
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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