She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
