Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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