I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
