we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just invented taco cereal.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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