Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
