her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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