Plan B is the new Plan A
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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