Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
