don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
