I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
