we have pet lesbian snakes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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