Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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